Imperfection
by Random Ravenclaw91
Summary: Sirius finds himself falling for Lily. When James announces that he's through with her, Sirius finds it difficult to believe, but thinks that this might be the only opportunity he'll ever have to go after the girl he's been in love with.


The Gryffindor common room was bliss compared to the blizzard brewing outside. In the dark night, the wind was howling, and the icy snow hammered against the windows. But near the warm fire, it was pleasant enough. James had been conspicuously missing from the scene for quite some time — enough time for me to have nothing better to do than finish my homework with Moony and Wormtail. Of course, after a while, even they flaked out and went to sleep, but I couldn't leave without finding out what happened to James.

Just when I had made up my mind to get the Invisibility Cloak — since it was far past curfew — and the Map to find him, the portrait hole opened to reveal a rather cold-looking James. He was shivering furiously, and his coat was covered in ice.

"Prongs!" I exclaimed. "What the bloody hell are you doing, walking around outside in the blizzard?"

He practically fell to the ground in front of the fire, and pulled his coat off stiffly. "Damn it, it's cold out there."

"Thanks for clarifying," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes in the process, "because I really couldn't tell by the wind you can hear _inside_ or by the snow so thick I can't see three feet out the window."

"Well, I needed to clear my head," he muttered, and I knew he really must be frozen if he wasn't going to comment further than that.

"I'm surprised your head didn't _fall off_—"

"Sirius," he interrupted, looking up at me crouched next to him. His face was completely red from the cold, but his eyes looked more serious than I had ever seen. "I'm giving up on Lily."

He said it so simply that I half-expected him to start laughing and tell me that he was just joking — he would never give up on her; after all, he had been in love with her practically since first year, and after six years, he wouldn't just stop trying. After all, my best friend was truly a die-hard optimist… sometimes to the extent of being the smallest bit pathetic.

Besides, I needed him to say that he was kidding, because we had such a perfect balance. As long as I knew that he was in love with Lily Evans, everything was right. I could avoid her, and pretend that I wasn't in love with her too. It was simple, when I knew James was trying to get her. After all, I was his best friend, and Lily Evans wasn't worth our friendship.

But if he said he didn't care, and he was lying about it, then everything would spiral out of control. It would force me to remember that I _did_ love Lily, as much as I tried to hide it. But I shoved those thoughts out of my mind as I looked at James, who still looked dead serious.

"Prongs, you shouldn't joke like that," I said lightly, trying to laugh a little, but it sounded false to my ears. "I mean, you _love_ Lily."

He shrugged, and moved a little closer to the fire, still shivering. "Maybe I did, but I can't do this. If she doesn't want to be with me, then there's nothing I can do anymore. I don't want to be pining for her, Sirius. I just want to be normal. Maybe I was in love with her, but I can't handle this anymore. She obviously doesn't care about me, and maybe I'll find someone who does."

I tried to imagine this scenario any other way, and I knew that I wouldn't have been able to believe him if he didn't look like this. But seeing him sitting there, shuddering, staring into the fire, made me think that he was telling the truth.

---

I waited weeks for James to give me any sign that he was having second thoughts about giving up on Lily, but I didn't see even faintest hint. He stopped asking her out, and, though he didn't ask anyone else out either, he seemed happier.

I was sure he had been sincere, and as the weeks went on, I had the feeling that he really did mean it. And, even though it was hard to imagine, I couldn't help but think that maybe — just maybe — Prongs was better off this way. He was more carefree; he laughed more. He was more like who everyone thought James should be. When he looked at Lily, he didn't look the way he used to. The tension was gone, and he was just friendly to her, when he had once been so desperate.

As much as I enjoyed seeing my best friend back to the way he should have been all along, I didn't know what to do. James thought that Lily and I were friends, and he had always known that we were fairly close. But he didn't know that I had fallen in love with her.

I had been friends with Lily casually since third year, but she always seemed unapproachable. She was too nice, too sweet, too perfect — she was everything — too much of everything.

But I knew that she couldn't be perfect, so in my fifth year I set out to find Lily Evans' flaws. And it was difficult, but I found them. I searched every day, and spoke to her about everything, just to see. And every time she showed me a little more of her true self, and her flaws.

She had a volatile temper that would go off at the slightest inducement. I could tell she tried hard to control it, but regardless, her face would turn red and her green eyes seemed to blaze. If it hadn't amused me so much, it might have terrified me.

She always acted so kind, but at times she spoke of people with a certain hatred in her voice. I knew that she tried to be nice to everyone, but internally that wasn't the case. It was especially her sister; she was bitter against the sister who hated her for merely being the person she was born to be.

The one flaw I could never be entirely sure of was whether or not she was arrogant. Sometimes I wondered if that was the reason she kept up the too-perfect facade, but for some reason I couldn't think that; there had to be another reason.

I didn't know why, but after finding out what was wrong with her, I had begun to fall for her. No one had ever interested me nearly as much, and I knew her so perfectly — there was nothing about her that I hated.

But, of course, the problem was James, my best friend. He was in love with Lily, and for that reason I hadn't been able to do anything except talk to Lily and be friends with her. But a couple weeks after James announced he gave up on her, I talked to Lily again…

---

"Where's James?" came a soft voice behind me. I didn't have to turn around to see that it was her.

I laughed. "He fell asleep after he got back from Quidditch. He's going to get sick sometime soon for playing when it's so cold… Though it isn't quite as cold today…" For what felt like the first time, I was the smallest bit nervous around her. Usually our relationship was perfectly comfortable, but something about knowing that James said he didn't want her anymore made me feel like anything could happen, when before I had been caged into the same old routine.

The two of us stared out the window, where there was a thick blanket of snow. It was dark out, but the sky was clear, and we could see the light of the stars even through the frosted glass. "Do you want to go on a walk with me?" Lily asked quietly, grinning a little. "I haven't been out in the snow yet…"

"Sure!" I said a little too enthusiastically, and Lily blushed a little. I smirked.

A few minutes later, we were bundled up and walking out onto the grounds. We were out after hours, but for once Lily apparently didn't care about breaking the rules.

"It's beautiful out here!" she sighed, and before she said it, I had hardly noticed. But after her comment, I felt like I could see it through her eyes. I could see how the thick blanket of white snow glistening in the dim light could be beautiful, especially because it had hardly been walked on.

"It's perfect," I said.

Her face seemed to fall, and she looked back and forth. "It is perfect," she replied, but her voice was strange. She didn't seem as happy anymore. "Let's walk through it," she suggested, smiling up at me. I was so relieved to see her back to normal that I went along with her without thinking about what that might mean.

We walked for a few minutes; the only sound was the snow being crushed underneath our feet.

"So why has Potter decided to stop asking me out?" she asked quietly.

I glanced down at her face, but she looked completely calm, as if this were just an ordinary conversation.

"He's given up on you," I told her, knowing that James wouldn't mind if I told her. "He doesn't think that you'll ever agree to go out with him, so he's going to stop asking. I think he's trying to make himself not be in love with you — and so far he's been doing surprisingly well." He was getting over Lily — slowly, but I knew that he really would be. I believed it completely.

That was when I realised what the difference was. I didn't feel guilty being with Lily, because I no longer felt like I was betraying him. It was an incredible feeling.

Lily didn't say anything, but was staring with an almost vacant look at the snow in front of her. It wasn't terribly cold outside — just below freezing. It was completely manageable.

"Lily, why didn't you ever like James?" I had been wondering forever.

"James is too perfect for me," she said after a pause. "He's kind and sweet and smart and funny. He's immature but serious about me. He would do anything for me, because that was how much he loved me."

I stared at her, and I wished I could see her face, but her back was to me. "I fail to see what's wrong with that." I walked up to her, and watched as she knelt down, and picked up some snow. She shaped it in her hands, and threw it a few feet away, where it landed in the fresh snow.

"Can't you guess?" she said with a half-smile, but her face held bitterness that I hadn't seen before.

She walked forward into the snow, around and around, as though she wanted to walk through the most she possibly could. It was annoying to not be able to figure out what was going on; I usually knew everything.

She continued walking, and I stared at the snow. Where it had once been a beautiful white covering, it was destroyed by her footprints.

"Perfection," I said abruptly.

She turned, but her foot hit something in the process, and she fell into the soft snow. She brushed her fiery hair from her face, but didn't look like she was in any hurry to get up.

I walked over to her again and sunk to my knees in front of her. "It's perfection you don't like, isn't it? It's why you walk through the snow, and why you can't love James, isn't it?"

She smiled. "I thought it would take you much longer to find that out, Sirius."

"But why?" I asked.

She shrugged, and said nothing.

"Do you know how to carry on a conversation, Evans?" I said, a bit too sharply.

But instead of looking angry with me, she just smiled. "I don't like perfection for the same reason you don't. You might not show it as much, but you agree with me."

I tilted my head, tired of all the cryptic hints. As much as I loved her, this was getting to be a bit much. Apparently answering was far too difficult.

"We're both rebels, aren't we?" she said, smiling innocently, and the way her expression contradicted her words nearly made me burst out laughing. "You think I'm joking?" she asked.

"No — but I can't see you as a rebel."

"What does a rebel do?" Lily asked me, her voice calm. She pulled her knees up under her chin, and stared seriously at me. I wondered if she were as cold as I was.

"A rebel," I answered slowly, "goes against what someone wants them to be. Someone wants them to fit a certain image, but they refuse."

"Exactly… And don't you and I do that? You're supposed to be the perfect, powerful pureblood, right? You're supposed to be all for pureblood supremacy, and hate people like me. But you aren't. You ran away from home, and you hate You-Know-Who."

"I'm not denying I'm a rebel, but what about you?"

"Right now you're thinking I'm utterly perfect, aren't you?" My guilty face was all the assent she needed. "But I'm not perfect. Being perfect is what I've always been expected to be, and it's an image I've run away from. I rebel against it, every day. Every moment I'm angry, bitter, petty, or stupid, I'm rebelling, and I like that."

Before this walk, I thought I had known Lily, but now I knew that it wasn't true. This was a part of Lily that I had just scratched the surface of before. Knowing her only made me care about her more. She had so much depth to never show anyone her true self.

"Why do you act perfect?" I questioned.

She grinned in that strange way again. "Can't you figure it out?"

"Because you enjoy suffering in silence?" I said, rolling my eyes.

She laughed a bit. "Close… It's because all my life, I've wanted someone to notice that I wasn't perfect. My sister almost found out, but not really. She just thought I my being a 'freak' — a witch — added to my perfection. That's why I can't stand my sister: she came so close to being the first one to figure it out, but then she failed me.

"Then I came here, and I kept acting perfect, because I didn't want to make it easy for anyone. I wanted them to figure it out without my help — I wanted them to see behind my facade. But for years, no one ever did. All my friends have nearly worshipped me, and James loved me _because_ I was perfect, and that's why I could never be in love with him. He doesn't know me, or understand me.

"But then last year, I noticed that there was one person who saw my flaws. I know that you searched for them, and I tried to make it difficult for you. But you kept pushing me, and you found out everything about me. I could tell that you found out what no one else had—"

"Your imperfections," I finished for her. "So… what does that mean? For us?"

She blushed softly. "Well, you're who I've been looking for forever, aren't you?"

I leaned forward a little. "You know, most girls would get angry and want other people to think they're perfect, not imperfect."

"Well I'm certainly not like other people, am I?"

I laughed. "No, I guess not."

She leaned forward a little too, and I leaned in more as well. Before I knew it, we were just inches away from each other. "I'm in love with you, Lily Evans," I said softly, staring into her too-close green eyes.

"I think I'm in love with you, too," she whispered.

Finally the gap between us closed. For a moment I couldn't help but think of how ironic it was that my first kiss with Lily was outside in the freezing cold— and we were both even more cold and wet from sitting in the snow for so long.

But after a moment I stopped thinking about that, since I was finally kissing Lily. It seemed impossible that after being in love with her for so long, kissing her felt so natural. Her lips were soft against mine, and so much warmer than anything else around me. She was my light, my warmth. Everything else fell away.

But after a couple minutes, we pulled away from each other.

"I'm sorry if that was too perfect," I said, hearing that old arrogance come back into my voice; it felt natural.

"Maybe it's okay for some things to be perfect," she laughed.

After that, we said nothing to each other for a few moments, but just sat there. I think I needed that time for it to sink in that it had really happened — I had kissed Lily Evans. But what did that mean? What about James? Of course, he said he was over her, and most of the time I really believed him, but I didn't think that getting Lily was really something that I should flaunt.

Then I stared at her again, and remembered how long I had waited for this. I had wanted it for as long as I truly knew her, but was I willing to pay the price for her? Was there really a price, if James didn't want her?

She smiled as I gazed steadily at her. "What are you thinking about?" she asked quietly.

"Aren't you cold?" I asked, avoiding her questions without the least bit of tact.

She shrugged. "It doesn't bother me."

Of course it didn't. I supposed that not being cold and wet would be perfect, right? This new revelation about Lily was vastly amusing.

"Do you want to go inside?"

"Do you?" she challenged.

"Someone might notice we're gone."

"Someone… meaning James, right?"

I avoided her question and just shrugged. At that moment more than anything I wished that James hadn't loved Lily, or that I had never either.

"Are you going to feel guilty about this, Sirius?" she asked thoughtfully, staring at me in that too-kind way.

"No," I answered, taking her hand and standing up, helping her to her feet right as well. "After all, he's given up on you, right? Besides, it's worth it."

She smiled, and swiftly leaned forward and kissed my cheek: I was stunned. She giggled a little at my frozen facial expression and pulled me forward with our intertwined hands. "Didn't you want to go inside?"

I smiled too. Yes, Lily Evans was worth anything.

---

Weeks passed, and oftentimes I was uncharacteristically nervous. I wanted to tell James. It was the first time I had ever held anything back from him, but at the same time I continued to wait, because I didn't want to have to choose between Lily and James.

Lily didn't seem to mind keeping our relationship hidden. After all, we could still talk like we always had without it being suspicious, but I didn't like that we couldn't truly act like a couple.

One day after those weeks passed, we were wandering around Hogwarts. Lily smiled up at me and took my hand casually. I stiffened instantly as she did so; the first thought that came to my mind was what would happen if James were to see us. But that emotion fell away as Lily cringed at my reaction.

"Why don't you just tell him?" she asked. "Or I'll tell him — I don't mind." I said nothing, so she continued, "It's just going to get worse if you don't tell him. And once he doesn't mind, you'll be happier. I know you will."

"I just… I'm just not sure what will happen," I said slowly. "I don't want anyone to make me choose between the two of you. I _love_ you, but James is my best friend."

"You won't have to choose," she answered, wrapping her arms around one of mine, stopping me. I looked down at her, and her face was positive. "Besides, this is my choice too, right? And I'll choose you over him, every time. I love you, Sirius. I want you to be happy."

I pulled her against my chest, hugging her protectively. "I'm not going to let you go," I promised.

"I hope you don't mean that literally." She smiled, reaching up to kiss me on the cheek again; that seemed to be a very endearing habit of hers.

---

It was late at night, and the we had snuck out to go talking and for a walk. Everyone was asleep when we left, so the two of us stumbled back into the common room an hour after we left. We didn't even look into the room as we stepped through, but merely tried to make it without breaking our kiss. When we finally broke apart we had fallen to the ground, and we both burst out laughing.

"Apparently going through the portrait hole and snogging are not activities that should be done simultaneously," I said dryly.

"You can't say you didn't enjoy it," she giggled.

"Far from it," I answered, and leaned toward her again for another kiss, but she pulled away from me abruptly, staring at something behind me. I turned to face the common room, and there was James, standing by the stairway to our dorm, frozen in shock.

"Damn," I said under my breath, everything in my mind going blank. I stood up slowly, trying to figure out what to say, but I had no idea. There was nothing to explain what had just happened. I had betrayed him by going out with the girl he had been in love with for so long, even if he did say he was over her. I was a terrible friend.

"You should probably go to your dorm, Lily," I whispered. "I need to talk to him."

"I know," she said, and stood on her toes to kiss me on the cheek. I cringed, wishing that she hadn't done that in front of James. She seemed to realise her mistake at the same time. "Sorry," she hissed, and then ran lightly up the stairs.

"James—" I started, but broke off abruptly. He was still just standing there, gazing at me, except he really didn't seem to be looking at me. I decided not to wait for him to speak, but just began rambling, "It was terrible for you to find out like that, but I want you to know that I was going to tell you — and soon. Yeah, I'm dating her, James, but I swear I didn't start until weeks after you told me you were over her… But looking at you now I think that you might've been lying, and you still have a thing for her. But, God, James, you know I would do anything for you, but I don't think I could give Lily up… You don't hate me, do you, Prongs?"

His eyes seemed to finally focus on my face, and he walked over to me. I could barely breathe: this was it.

"It's fine," he said simply, but for some reason I couldn't just accept that: I needed more.

"Are you over her?" After all, maybe it wasn't just a matter of saying he wasn't in love with her, and being done with it. Maybe there was more to it than that. It probably took time; more than just a month. Maybe I had been wrong to get Lily for myself so quickly. But I was so excited, and I thought that it was my only chance; I thought that if I waited, maybe James would change his mind, and I wouldn't have been able to handle that. I knew that was my one opportunity, and I had to take it, no matter the price. I didn't regret it, either. I couldn't, because I had gained so much.

"I'm trying," he said solemnly. It felt strange to have such a serious conversation with James — one devoid of banter, laughing, or inside jokes. "Anyway, she made her choice, right? She wants to be with you, not me." There was bitterness in his voice.

"But won't this make you hate me?"

He laughed dryly. "Of course not… Listen, Sirius, I wasn't totally lying when I said I was over her. What I meant was that I was _trying_ to get over her — and trying my damnedest. And now that the two of you are together, it'll be easier for me… You've apparently given up a hell of a lot for me over the years — even though I never really knew about it — and now it's my turn. Don't feel guilty about it, okay?"

"Thanks," was all I could think to say.

Then he began to walk up to the dormitory, and I followed him. "Oh," he said, without breaking stride, "and make sure you treat her right, or I'll be on your case."

"So you'll be her protector, Prongs?"

"Well, someone has to be, since you're such a womaniser."

"No I'm not!" I protested.

"And why exactly did you keep her out so late tonight?" he said in a mock-serious tone.

I laughed. I guess everything would be back to normal someday.

---

"Sirius!" Lily called, opening the curtains of my bed abruptly. "Are you really not awake yet — Oh!"

I laughed.

"You jerk — tricking me and making me think you were still asleep."

I was sitting up, fully dressed and awake. I knew she'd come barging in if I waited long enough. The fact that I liked to sleep in when we didn't have school seemed to annoy her to no end. I often teased her that it took away from my perfection, and she would say that I was arrogant, but would smile all the same.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her down beside me; she shrieked a little as she fell. "You think I wouldn't catch you?" I said trying to sound offended.

"Well, if you didn't knock me over, you wouldn't have to catch me."

"It's one of my charms," I answered, grinning.

She settled down next to me, her legs draped over mine. "One more day," she said. Her head fell against my shoulder.

We were in our seventh year, and we were leaving Hogwarts tomorrow. Along with James, we were joining the Order of the Phoenix. I had inherited more than enough money to live the rest of my life with ease, and catching Death Eaters sounded ideal.

"You sure you want to do this?" I asked her. "It seems like you might want a normal job instead."

"No," she answered firmly. "You know I want this."

"Yeah, I suppose." I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her next to me. I never would have admitted it, but sometimes I wished that she would get a normal job, because then I wouldn't have to worry about her so much.

In the year and a half we'd been dating, there was one thing I was sure of. I was in love with Lily Evans, and always would be. No matter how old we were, no matter where we were, no matter what we were doing, I would love her — no matter how sappy that sounded.

"There are going to be a lot of things that happen over the next few years. Nothing will really be certain. We'll go strange places and risk our lives and sometimes we might not see each other for days at a time. I hate to admit it, but there'll be times when we'll be scared or when we think we might die. Hell, we might _actually_ die."

"I know," she said simply, staring at me intently, probably wondering where this was going.

"The point is," I continued, "I want to be with you. Right now, in a few years, and for the rest of my life. This isn't going to change, Lily Evans."

She smiled. "Same for me." Her face turned a little red, and I couldn't help but smile. She kissed me on the cheek quickly, blushing even deeper. Even after a year and a half, her little habits were still endearing.

"I guess you shouldn't be too surprised to hear this, but, Lily, will you marry me?"

She grinned widely when I asked, while her eyes brightened. "Of course," she answered.

As I kissed her, I finally felt right. Lily would be my wife, James was still my best friend, and no matter what happened over the next few years, I would be happy.

It was strange to think of the perfection that had come from the imperfection.


End file.
